Naked Truth

As you know, I recently started dating again after many years and well it has brought nothing but stress to my life. You may think I'm crazy, that it should have brought out fun and joy and connection. But no! And here's why: while I am awesome in some ways, I am deeply flawed; my house and my car are disorderly and disasters, I don't like cooking and cleaning, I have unopened mail, unfilled papers, uncompleted tasks piled up on the dining room table leaving no room to eat there.

I am often in my pajamas. I have hair where I shouldn't, and spots all over my face that make me look diseased. I have flabby stomach, sagging breasts,  droopy eyelids and cellulite butts. My teeth are yellow and well the list goes on and on. Not to mention that I have a daughter who literally spreads poop all over the house, a dog that pees everywhere he can, a second dog whose hair has covered every single thing in the house.  Well you get the picture!  I have a cleaning lady who comes in and makes the house livable again, but only barely.

You may think that I'm exaggerating or that I'm being hard on myself. I mean, I have great qualities; I'm loving, loyal, kind, smart, strong and a great leader and I am well aware of my strengths. But I'm not exaggerating about my shortcomings. No, all true! I admit it! And I don't hide it. Me and my life can be seen as disasters by many. But I'm totally okay the way everything is, you see.  I'm practicing loving and accepting my messy, awkward, unkept, don't-have-it-together me, with no plan to fix any of it! It's almost sinful, isn't it?

And well back to the dating thing. How the hell can someone love me and my flaws? I mean really, it is impossible to love someone who is this way. So I started making an effort to fix it, fix myself, fix the house, fix my girl, fix the dogs and well, nobody and nothing wanted to be fixed....I finally broke down and cried, who can love me this way?

Perhaps no one can love me. Perhaps I'm not lovable. Perhaps that's why I've been alone for so long. Perhaps...or not!  I don't know. But if the price of loving myself fully, the flaws and all, is that I will be alone forever, I accept it. My mother always says "find yourself and when you have yourself, you have everything!" And in my 50s, I have come to believe this to be the truth, not like you don't need anyone or that you should go become a hermit in a cave. But rather that in the process of finding, accepting and loving myself, and evolving, I will shatter the illusion of imperfection and disconnection. I will find the Perfect and the Eternal , that I will find my tribe, and my evolved soulmate.

An Eternity

She's exhausted. It's been a long battle. Mayhem and confusion, assault and confrontation, dark clouds everywhere and verbal artillery flying all around her. But above all, her soul is tired; the grand light of her soul has been shriveled to a mere spark. She just wants to lay down her arms and surrender, to go to sleep, only for a moment, only for eternity.