It is okay to live a life others don't understand.

For the first time ever, I have a plan for future.  Those of you who know me personally, know I have battled with not wanting to live for a long time. I mean, not that I would kill myself, but that I am done with this life and don't want it any more.  It's been 25 years.  Even my close friends don't understand this.  They say: "you have everything, be thankful." Or that "accept it, this is the way life is". It is not that I don't appreciate what I have been given, it is because even with all that have, I didn't want this thing called Life.

I am quite different than most people, don't quite fit the mold of an Iranian woman, or even an Iranian American woman.   What I do and who I am baffles a lot of people.  Many are shocked, some are inspired, some call me courageous, my family is most of the time freaked out by my adventures and well, you get the idea.

But, for most of my life, I have lived according to the music in my heart and soul, not caring what others thought of me, well except my family.  But I've always felt there is something wrong with me. Any way, I finally realized, (duh!), that it is okay to live a life others don't understand. I am finally giving myself the permission to live it freely and with joy, which has allowed me, for the first time to see a future, a future quite different from what my family had planned for me, or what my friends want.  A future!  Wow! That's something, huh?

Naked Truth

As you know, I recently started dating again after many years and well it has brought nothing but stress to my life. You may think I'm crazy, that it should have brought out fun and joy and connection. But no! And here's why: while I am awesome in some ways, I am deeply flawed; my house and my car are disorderly and disasters, I don't like cooking and cleaning, I have unopened mail, unfilled papers, uncompleted tasks piled up on the dining room table leaving no room to eat there.

I am often in my pajamas. I have hair where I shouldn't, and spots all over my face that make me look diseased. I have flabby stomach, sagging breasts,  droopy eyelids and cellulite butts. My teeth are yellow and well the list goes on and on. Not to mention that I have a daughter who literally spreads poop all over the house, a dog that pees everywhere he can, a second dog whose hair has covered every single thing in the house.  Well you get the picture!  I have a cleaning lady who comes in and makes the house livable again, but only barely.

You may think that I'm exaggerating or that I'm being hard on myself. I mean, I have great qualities; I'm loving, loyal, kind, smart, strong and a great leader and I am well aware of my strengths. But I'm not exaggerating about my shortcomings. No, all true! I admit it! And I don't hide it. Me and my life can be seen as disasters by many. But I'm totally okay the way everything is, you see.  I'm practicing loving and accepting my messy, awkward, unkept, don't-have-it-together me, with no plan to fix any of it! It's almost sinful, isn't it?

And well back to the dating thing. How the hell can someone love me and my flaws? I mean really, it is impossible to love someone who is this way. So I started making an effort to fix it, fix myself, fix the house, fix my girl, fix the dogs and well, nobody and nothing wanted to be fixed....I finally broke down and cried, who can love me this way?

Perhaps no one can love me. Perhaps I'm not lovable. Perhaps that's why I've been alone for so long. Perhaps...or not!  I don't know. But if the price of loving myself fully, the flaws and all, is that I will be alone forever, I accept it. My mother always says "find yourself and when you have yourself, you have everything!" And in my 50s, I have come to believe this to be the truth, not like you don't need anyone or that you should go become a hermit in a cave. But rather that in the process of finding, accepting and loving myself, and evolving, I will shatter the illusion of imperfection and disconnection. I will find the Perfect and the Eternal , that I will find my tribe, and my evolved soulmate.

An Eternity

She's exhausted. It's been a long battle. Mayhem and confusion, assault and confrontation, dark clouds everywhere and verbal artillery flying all around her. But above all, her soul is tired; the grand light of her soul has been shriveled to a mere spark. She just wants to lay down her arms and surrender, to go to sleep, only for a moment, only for eternity.

Female Role Models for My Daughter

I've been trying to find female role models and heroes for my daughter, Kiana (10 years old) for a long time, in an attempt to help her see women can be powerful and cool and do great things. None of the them have been good enough for her, none of them won her over. You know what she said about Wonder Woman?  "She's naked, plus how can she run in those shoes? And she doesn't have any cool powers or gadgets!" 

Forget the Disney Princesses!  She ain't waiting for a man to save her! I've introduced her to Xena (my favorite), Black Widow (Avengers), Ryan Stone (astronaut in Gravity) Sydney Bristow (cool CIA Agent in Alias), Olivia Dunham (Smart and intuitive FBI agent in Fringe), Maryam Mirzakhani (smart and cool Iranian Mathematician with a boyish haircut who won the "Nobel" Prize for Math), Hayao Miyazaki's cool girl anime characters, Piper, Prue, Pheobe, Page (4 witches in Charmed).  You name it, I've introduced her to Kiana already!

So she has been into Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, Iron Man, Flash, Arrow and even Hulk, cool soccer players, male Kung Fu masters, But no women! Until yesterday!  

And we have a winner!!! Yes! finally!  Drum roll please........Buffy the Vampire Slayer!  Yes! She's cool and well, Ki now wants to be the "Chosen One! Not to kill vampires but all the bad guys!!!" She even likes Willow very much! Simple and naive but smart, cute and a bitching powerful witch with a dark side!

I feel a sense of accomplishment! I know my quest to provide great role models for my girl is not over. But for now, I take a moment of pleasure knowing that we at least have a favorite for now!

I Choose Peace

I got into a huge conflict with my Soul Sister and Spiritual Warrior a month ago, and it has continued to this day. The thoughts of this conflict have consumed me. You see, her path and mine have been joined for a long time, but now, we must part ways because I am a Peace Warrior at heart and well, she chooses the path of War and Discord.

I am saddened, confused and consumed by this loss. So I pray:

Dear Angels,
Tonight I release my friend into the your loving hands. I bless her and thank her for the many conversations for healing we had, and the amazing moments we shared. May she find peace and joy on her journey to Love.

Tonight I choose my thoughts, carefully, instead of allowing them to create dis-harmony. Tonight I let go of all my anger and hurt. Tonight I focus all my thoughts. Tonight I choose Peace, again and again.

Dear Angels: Please "act as my gatekeepers in establishing a steady stream of loving thoughts."

Thank you and Namaste,
Niloo

Aging with Grace

So profound has been my metamorphosis at the age of 50, that I can hardly recognize myself.  I have finally arrived! I have come to know and accept my true Self, the good, the bad and the ugly! I'm comfortable in my own skin and body.  I have forgiven myself and others. And I have finally chosen to LIVE. Yes, to live, simply because I want to, because I enjoy it, because I matter.  I am no longer willing to forfeit my power, or to hide the beauty of my soul.

"Midlife is not a crisis; it's a time of rebirth.  It's not a time to accept your death; it's a time to accept your LIFE - and to finally, truly live it, as you and you alone know deep in your heart it was meant to be lived." Marianne Williamson, The Age of Miracles, Embracing the New Midlife.

I have finally gotten started on what matters the most to me, what I was meant to do: a Spiritual Warrior here to unite with others to become an Ocean of Love, to heal myself and the World. And now I have finally given myself the permission to live fully.

How about you, Dear One? How about you? Are you willing to accept yourself and your Light and to play full out in life? Are you willing to have the Glorious Life you were meant to live? Join me on Healers Without Borders for Conversations for Healing such as these.

Namasté,

Niloo

First Day of Yoga

 “You may keep your feet up, and you may not,” is what the Yoga instructor said.  I smiled.  Everything is as it should be.  Everything is perfect.

For years, I had abandoned my body. I mean, it was a means to fulfilling my mental and spiritual wishes! I had heard all the cliches: Your Body is Your Temple; Body, Mind and Spirit integration, etc.  But today I discovered Yoga. Oh, I had known about Yoga for years and my sister and all my friends raved about it.  But alas, I couldn’t be bothered.  Until today.

“Choose your venture,  whatever you like to do today!” The Yoga instructor said gently.

 As I struggled to keep my toes off the matt I realized that today, I took the first step to becoming the Peace Warrior I already AM! Yes! Today, I quit smoking, went to Yoga, swam, enjoyed the hot tub and felt at peace with my body in a long time.

A blessed thank you to all of you who supported me getting here, especially my beloved sister, Nooshin.

Love, Y

Niloo